


Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein

by The Little MerBucky (blue_pointer)



Series: Death Comes Calling [12]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Defenders (Marvel TV)
Genre: Action, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Angst, Asian Doctor Strange, Break Up, Dark Fantasy, Evil Steve Rogers, Harry Potter jokes, Hell's Kitchen, Injured Rhodey, M/M, Manhattan, Nick Fury vampire hunter, Sanctum Sanctorum (Marvel), Shrinkydinks, Strange has a crush?, Teenage Tony, Werewolves, don't tell her to smile, smartasses, winteriron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 00:59:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14344638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_pointer/pseuds/The%20Little%20MerBucky
Summary: In an alternate universe where Steve is a tiny, evil vampire, Tony is his prey until Bucky interferes.Determined to get revenge on Steve for what he did to Rhodey, Tony finishes his Iron Man prototype alone. But is it such a good idea to volunteer to be the bait in Fury's trap?Compelled to protect Steve, Bucky flies to the scene of the final battle. But can he stand by while Steve kills Tony?





	Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein

Tony worked all night. It was no big deal; he wouldn’t have been able to sleep anyway, if he’d tried. He just wished he could stop feeling hurt and concentrate on his work. He felt betrayed. Like he’d just gone through a bad breakup, and it was hard to focus. Jarvis and mini-Dum-E tried to cheer him up with his favorite playlists and prat-falls, but it didn’t help enough. 

It was nearly visiting hours at the hospital when Tony put the finishing touches on his prototype. No one tried to stop him when he left the house with a suspiciously large backpack. Without his wallet, Tony couldn’t even buy coffee on his way uptown. He couldn’t take a cab. His only option was to walk 60 blocks or take the train. Tony jumped the turnstile and immediately wished he’d brought a giant bottle of Purell.    


  


*

  


Clint could smell the flatfoot tailing them all the way to the train station. He ignored her; this really wasn’t her business, but he knew if he pointed that out, she’d just get pissy. Women could be so touchy.  


She came to stand next to him as they watched the boy descend the urine-soaked stairs to the train platform. “Great.” She deadpanned. “I love the subway.”  


“Race you to Midtown,” Clint said, taking off down the stairs before she could answer.  


“I don’t like games, Barton,” she called after him.  


“Last one there’s a rotten egg!” he called back. Clint heard her growl before the swift footsteps of a fellow werewolf were in pursuit.  


They were racing north along the BMT track when Clint felt it. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up, and he skidded to a halt, turning in the direction of that horrible feeling. He had to suppress a howl. “Someone’s not happy down there,” Jones observed, hands tucked casually in the pockets of her leather jacket like it was no big deal.  


“Should we report it?” Clint asked her.  


“I’m sure they already know,” she said, walking past him nonchalantly.  


“Who already knows?”  


“Whoever’s job it is to deal with evil lurking in the subway.”  


“Who is that?” Clint was convinced she just acted like she knew everything.  


“Not me, that’s who. Are you gonna keep asking stupid questions, or what?” She turned to look back at him, and Clint saw a flash of that famous temper.  


Clint shrugged. “Or what, probably.” But he took out his phone to send a text first.  


  


*  


  


Riley was sprawled across Sam’s resting corpse when his phone went off. “What the hell?” he groaned, reaching for his pants. 

_ Steer clear of the east side subway tunnels. There’s something down here. _  


Well, that was ominous. And that wasn’t really Clint’s style.  


_ Can you be more specific?  _ Riley texted back. When no answer came after five minutes, he curled up with Sam again. The subway wasn’t his problem anyway.  


  


*  


  


“Rhodey!” Tony flung himself across the room to hug his best friend. The FBI agents had told him Rhodey was dead. They were clearly terrible people. Tony was so relieved they’d been lying, though. 

“Where have you been?” Something was off about him, but Tony couldn’t tell just what. “You didn’t answer my texts.” Was that it? He was upset Tony hadn’t come sooner?  


“I got arrested by the feds for blowing up the neighbors’.” He stood up, tugging the hem of his t-shirt down, trying to act casual.  


Rhodey just stared, like he didn’t believe Tony. “What, and they just let you go?”  


Tony looked at the ceiling. “Well, not exactly…”  


“You know what? Nevermind. I’m not in the mood to hear about your antics. I got my own stuff to deal with right now.”  


Tony looked back at him, full of guilt. “I know--I’m sorry. I’m just glad you’re okay.”  


“I’m not okay, Tony.” His nostrils flared. “I probably never will be. So thanks a lot for that.”  


Tony looked stricken. “I begged you not to go outside--but you wouldn’t listen--”  


“Save it. Okay? It’s just you, getting into your usual bullshit, and me taking the heat to get you out. Like always.”  


Tony felt sick. He’d change places with Rhodey in a second. Rhodey had to know that. Was this it? The end of their friendship?  


“Look, just go back to wherever you’ve been hiding out. I got this. It’s taken care of.”  


“Got what? What have you got?” He couldn’t be saying what Tony thought he was saying.  


“I called the cleaner who used to work for dad, remember? We’re gonna take care of this, and then you can think of a way to make it up to me.”  


“There’s a plan?” Tony asked. “Whatever it is, I’m in. With bells on. I’m here. So deal me in.” Rhodey narrowed his eyes, like he didn’t trust Tony, and that hurt. Worse than breaking up with Bucky. It was a knife right in his heart. “Please,” Tony begged. “This is on me. Let me fix it. Let me help; I can do it. Whatever you need.”  


  


+++

  


It was a terrible plan. Tony felt the need to point out that this Fury person was clearly just using Rhodey as bait. 

“So what if he is?” Rhodey asked, angrily. “I’m not good for much else nowadays.” He turned away suddenly, and Tony was shocked to see he was fighting back tears.  


“What do you mean, platypus? Why, you’re the most useful person I know. You can do anything. I believe that.”  


“I can’t fucking walk, Tony,” Rhodey choked on the words, his face still turned away. “I’m paralyzed from the waist down.”  


Tony clutched his chest and had to sit. Was he having a heart attack? Probably. Who knew? His vision swam in and out. “Oh my god,” he gasped. “I’m so sorry, Rhodey. I’m sor--”  


“Whatever, Tony.” Rhodey angrily scrubbed his tears away with the heel of his palm. “This ends tonight. That sonuvabitch is gonna get payback for what he did. And then you better build me the best fucking rocket-propelled hover wheelchair ever invented. It better be Luke Skywalker’s fucking wheelchair.”  


A startled laugh burst out of Tony around the lump in his throat. “You better believe it, sour patch. It’ll put Stephen Hawking to shame. People are gonna  _ wish _ they needed one.”  


The right corner of Rhodey’s mouth quirked up in a grimace-smile. “When’s the last time you slept?”  


Tony shook his head. He couldn’t even remember.  


Rhodey pointed at the blanket draped over the arm of a bedside chair. “You can curl up in that thing. You’re small enough.” Tony smiled weakly. He couldn’t even get offended. “Get some shut-eye. We got daylight for a few hours yet.”  


“No way,” Tony shook his head stubbornly. “Call Fury. I need to talk to him--or give me his number,” Tony added, hurriedly, when he saw Rhodey about to protest at having Tony give him orders.  


  


+++

  


“I don’t like this, Tony,” Rhodey said, as Tony pushed his hospital bed down the hall to the nearest elevator. 

“Too bad,” Tony said. “I’m not gonna let you get hurt again.”  


“Stealing me out of the hospital doesn’t seem like the best way to do that.”  


“Trust me,” Tony assured him. “Where we’re going, they can take better care of you.” If the building could make rooms on request, surely it could make a hospital room. Maybe Doctor Strange was even a doctor of medicine. It was possible, right?  


Hotwiring an ambulance was not Tony’s proudest moment, but what else was he supposed to do? “This is illegal, Tony.” Rhodey scowled.  


“I’m already wanted by the FBI,” Tony said. “How much worse can it get?”  


“You escaped from FBI custody? Wait, don’t tell me. I don’t wanna know.”  


“You sure?” Tony grinned. “It’s a pretty good story.” He didn’t turn the siren on, which Tony felt really showed restraint. It was much nicer to drive back downtown than it had been to take the train up, traffic or no traffic.  


  


*  


  


“He’s leaving,” Clint said. “C’mon!” 

“No thanks.” Jones continued to take sips of whatever was in that brown paper bag she’d produced from her jacket.  


“What do you mean? Weren’t you following him, too?”  


“My source says it’s gonna happen here.” She looked at him like he was a pigeon on the sidewalk. “So I’m staying.”  


Clint found he was disappointed to have to part company. She was an asshole, but an asshole who was easy on the eyes. “Hey, gimme a sip of that before I go.”  


“You wanna lose some teeth, keep going.”  


“You should smile more,” he told her, walking away, grinning. Clint just barely ducked in time. The glass bottle burst against the wall right behind him, and he decided to jog a few blocks before catching a cab.  


  


*  


  


A short while later, Riley was awakened by an argument going on upstairs. The acoustics and layout of the Sanctum Sanctorum were such that he shouldn’t have been able to hear an argument going on in the next room, even--unless Strange wanted him to. 

“C’mon, burrito. I thought you could do anything!”  


“The Sorcerer Supreme must remain neutral in all supernatural affairs. My office would not function if I chose sides.”  


Riley sighed, sliding out of bed and giving Sam’s sleeping corpse a kiss on the forehead before he shrugged back into his clothes.  


“Give it up, Tony. This guy’s clearly got a show in Vegas to go do.”  


“Young man, I am no circus performer. I am the Sorcerer Supreme!”  


“Okay, so you’re playing Caesar’s Palace. Don’t get your cape in a bunch.”  


Riley tucked Sam in before heading upstairs. Tony was arguing with Strange in the grand entry hall. The third voice belonged to an attractive young man in a hospital bed, who looked like he should still be in the hospital. Going into field mode, Riley ran forward to check on him.  


“Wait, nevermind,” Tony said. “Riley, you’re a medic, right?”  


“I don’t need a medic, Tony,” Rhodey protested. “Just like I don’t need David Blaine here to make my bed disappear.”  


“At least let him take out your IV,” Tony said.  


“I AM THE SORCERER SUPREME!” Strange boomed, floating twenty feet into the air, his cape billowing in an invisible wind.  


“Is that supposed to impress me?” Rhodey scoffed.  


“I’m not taking out the IV,” Riley said. “When did you get out of the ICU?” It couldn’t have been that long ago. 

“I don’t know,” Rhodey answered, grumpy. “Yesterday?”  


Riley turned on Tony. “Why did you take him out of the hospital?”  


“Because that tiny pipsqueak vampire, Steve Rogers, put him there. And I don’t want him to finish the job, okay?”  


Riley’s demeanor changed immediately. “Were you bitten?” he asked Rhodey.  


“I don’t think so,” Rhodey said. “I was reaching into the car for my bag when suddenly my feet weren’t on the ground anymore.” He looked uncomfortable remembering it. “This thing...with glowing silver eyes shook me around like a rag doll, and then I was falling…” He shut his eyes.  


Tony squeezed Rhodey’s hand, looking distressed.  


“Is there any place appropriate here?” Riley asked Strange. Who nodded.  


“I see you were invoking my Hippocratic oath and not my office. My apologies,” he said to Tony.  


“What is WITH this guy?” Tony asked Riley.  


“I think my pain meds are starting to wear off,” Rhodey said through gritted teeth.  


“My apologies,” Strange repeated to Rhodey. He reached forward to touch his foot, and Rhodey fell into a deep sleep.  


“Is he okay?” Tony asked. Well, it would make it easier for him to sneak back uptown if Rhodey wasn’t awake to stop him…  


“We’ll take care of him,” Riley assured Tony. “You go get some rest.”  


Tony nodded, watching them wheel Rhodey away. As soon as they were gone, he left.  


  


*  


  


Bucky had gone back to the garden room after Tony had thrown him out of the lab. The atmosphere was nice, and the simulated sunlight just threatening enough. He lay at the bottom of the pond, remembering how angry Tony had been when he’d found him here. But then...he’d stopped. 

Had Bucky intentionally influenced that change in Tony’s mood? Subconsciously intentionally? He couldn’t be sure, and that bothered him. When dawn came, he slept where he was. The koi nipped at his skin, and crayfish played in his hair.  


  


*  


  


When Sam woke that night, Riley was gone. And something felt wrong. Something that made him uneasy, but he couldn’t say why. He went to look for Bucky. The halls twisted and turned around him, gradually leading him to his destination. It was disconcerting until you got used to it.

“Sam.” That was Riley. Sam turned left up a flight of stairs and found Riley waiting for him at the top. He looked worried. “We have our first casualty.”  


“Who?” Riley led him into a nearby room, decked out like a modern hospital, complete with heart monitor. “Oh, that’s...the kitten’s friend, right?” The pale face looked familiar from his trip to the hospital that had ended so abruptly.  


“His name is James. Steve used him to scare Tony. He’s paraplegic now.”  


“Fuck.” Sam could feel his anger rising at Steve. He’d ruined this young man’s life, and for what? His own amusement?  


“Your clan owes him, Sammie.”  


Sam’s nostrils flared. “Yeah. I get it.” Riley came over to squeeze his hand, and Sam noticed how tired and worn he looked. “You been playing nursemaid all day?” He gathered Riley into his arms and felt him nod against Sam’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, baby.” Sam held him close. “This shit needs to end.”  


“Felicitous news!” Strange said, throwing the door open in a typically dramatic manner. But he wasn’t smiling. The sorcerer rarely did that. “Your visas have been approved.”  


Sam nodded. “I’ll go tell Bucky. Then we can finally get the hell out of here.”  


There was a frantic sloshing sound in the hall, and Bucky appeared in the doorway. “Where’s Tony?”  


“Why are you all wet?” Sam asked.  


“What’s he doing here?” Bucky asked, suddenly noticing Tony’s friend.  


“Tony didn’t feel like he’d be safe from Steve in a hospital,” Riley said. “He also tried to talk Strange into curing his friend’s paralysis.”  


“He’s paralysed?” Bucky asked, feeling suddenly cold.  


Riley nodded.  


“C’mere, dumbass.” Sam came over with a towel, trying to pat Bucky dry. “What’d you do, go swimming with your clothes on?”  


“Where’s Tony?” Bucky repeated.  


Riley looked blank. “Clint was keeping an eye on him.” He pulled out his phone to text him.  


“Fucking Barton!” Bucky spat, storming out of the room.   


“Hey, hey!” Sam followed. “Where you going?” 

“He better not be out after dark!” But Bucky was less annoyed than he sounded. He couldn’t feel Tony anywhere in the Sanctum, and that only left one option. He opened the front doors, took one step outside, and crumpled to the ground. “Stevie!”  


When Sam stepped out, he could feel it, too. Something had happened to Steve.  _ Good, _ he thought.  


“I have to go!” Bucky cried, taking off. Luckily, Sam flew faster.  


He caught him. “You are not gonna go help Steve right now.”  


“He needs me!” Bucky struggled in Sam’s grasp. “He’s hurt!”  


“That’s a GOOD thing, man.”  


“Please, Sam!”  


“Clay!” Sam managed to wrestle Bucky back to the street, where between his and Riley’s werewolf strength, they got Bucky back into the Sanctum.  


“Sam, we can’t abandon him!” Bucky was still fighting them even when the damper of the Sanctum’s shields fell over them.  


“The hell we can’t!”  


Riley thought Sam’s ex was in need of some serious therapy. “If you go to him now, he’ll kill you for sure!” he told Bucky.  


“No. Steve would never hurt me!” Bucky insisted.  


“You’re kidding, right?” Sam was not amused, having borne witness to many occasions to the contrary.  


Riley was starting to get tired, and his grip slipped. “Strange!” Bucky was hauling ass for the exit, dragging Sam behind him.  


“Petrificus Totalus!” Bucky was suddenly encased in a giant block of ice, which continued his forward momentum toward the doors. Both Sam and Riley turned to stare at the sorcerer.  


“What?” he asked, looking innocent. “It’s a wizard’s joke.”  


“I thought you said you couldn’t interfere.” Riley said.  


“I dislike seeing beautiful people cease to exist,” Strange said, flippant. He turned toward the drawing room. “Tea anyone?”  


  


*  


  


Clint had been successfully chatting up a college girl in Washington Square when he smelled Tony leaving the Sanctum Sanctorum again.  _ Dammit.  _ Worse than losing a mating opportunity, he’d spent his last two bucks on a hot dog, so he couldn’t take a cab back uptown. 

When Tony jumped a train again, Clint rode a few cars back. No way was he sprinting through the tunnels alone after what he’d felt down there during the day. Even on a crowded subway car, he felt like his hair was standing on end. He clutched the bow hidden in his trenchcoat, apprehensive.  


When they got back to the hospital, Jones was right where he’d left her. Drinking coffee this time. “Decide to give up your career alcoholism?” he asked her.  


“Sometimes I like a little coffee with my bourbon,” she told him, unfazed. They waited together for whatever the thing was she’d been warned about by her anonymous source.  


  


*  


  


Tony had had plenty of time to think about what a terrible idea this was, as he lay in Rhodey’s hospital room with the sheets pulled over his head. He’d seen how fast Steve could move. Did he really trust Rhodey’s hitman friend to know what he was doing? 

Sure, he wasn’t unarmed. He’d worn the UV weapons he’d made last night with Bucky--someone he didn’t want to think about right now. They would work, even if Fury failed. At least, that’s what Tony kept telling himself over and over.  


After what seemed like hours, Tony heard the door open. It was probably just a nurse, who was about to be very confused when she checked on Rhodey. Tony peeped out from under the sheet and nearly wet his pants. It was Steve, looking small and mostly-human, wearing a set of hospital scrubs with blood stains on them.  _ What the fuck. _  


“Hello, beautiful,” he smiled, walking into the room. “You’ve cost me a lot.” Then he disappeared in a blur, and Fury tripped the net.  


  


*  


  


The net was woven from silver that, up until 1316, had been a cross atop Minot’s tower on St. Patrick’s cathedral in Dublin. It was the perfect trap for an Irish Catholic vampire. Through his enhanced goggles, Fury watched the little monster scream and writhe, losing a finger or three as he moved into the net like high speed cheese through a grater. “Gotcha,” Fury smiled. 

  


*  


  


If Fury had expected the net to stop Steve, he was wrong. Tony leapt out of bed as the vampire fought like a cat in a bag, his skin smoking and starting to burn as he grabbed the net and twisted. The smoke reached the smoke detector, setting off the hospital’s fire alarm. Tony could hear people rushing past in the hall. Sadly, the emergency sprinkler system turned on, putting the fire out. 

What emerged from the remains of the net was charred and livid, and didn’t look so human anymore. Tony hit him with a UV blast from his armored arms, sending Steve screeching into a corner. He was moving so fast, it was hard to keep the beams on him, but Tony tried. He finally blasted Steve into the window, where Fury had a clean shot. There was a shattering of glass, and suddenly Steve had a three foot stake protruding from his solar plexus. He screamed and leapt out the window to attack the real enemy. Tony rushed to put on the rest of his suit. Fury was going to need his help.  


  


*  


  


Fury kept shooting with his stake gun, but the monster was onto him now. It was going to come down to a hand-to-hand situation. He drew his sword and blasted off from the roof, shooting hollow-tipped rounds filled with holy water at the trouble coming his way. 

  


*

  


Steve was beyond angry. Did this mortal think he could end him? He jerked the stake out of his stomach, intending to give the vampire hunter a taste of his own medicine. 

Across the midtown skyline the two hunters chased one another, leaving an impressive amount of collateral damage in their wake.  


  


* 

  


His suit finally on, Tony decided it was time to test his propulsion system. 

“Do you think that’s wise, Sir?” Jarvis asked.  


“Don’t come at me with logic now, J; this is an emergency.”  


“Exactly the time for logic, Sir.”  


But Tony wasn’t listening. He fired the rockets and blasted himself straight into the ceiling, where he bounced back to the floor. “Don’t say a word,” he told Jarvis.  


“I wouldn’t dream of it, Sir.”  


Tony got up and tried again, this time propelling himself out the window. It was both terrifying and exhilarating. Tony spent far too much time falling before he got the hang of pushing himself back up. He could see the sparks and hear the crashes in the distance of Fury and Steve trying to kill one another, so he headed that way against his better judgement.  


  


*  


  


After shooting the monster into a penthouse apartment, Fury took a second to reload. 

“You need to take this fight somewhere else,” a woman spoke from behind him. Nick whirled to find she was breathing.  


“Mind your own business, little girl,” he said, watching the lights in the penthouse go out one by one.  


“I’m not gonna tell you again,” she said, as a man climbed the fire escape to join her. He was dressed like a high wire act straight from the circus.  


“Who are you supposed to be?” Fury asked them. “The motherfucking flying Gambinis?”  


  


*  


  


Tony flew into the apartment after he saw Steve crash through the skylight. There were people in there. Didn’t Fury care that an innocent bystander might get hurt? That guy was as crazy as Steve. 

He heard screams down the hall and ran in that direction, his suit heavy as well as uncomfortable. He’d have to work on that. “Stop!” Tony called out. “I’m the one you want!” A spray of blood painted his visor as he passed a child’s bedroom. Tony started firing the UV array wildly, unable to see.  


“Behind you, Sir!” Jarvis warned, too late.  


Tony crashed to the ground, an impossibly heavy weight on top of him. He held up his hands, flaring UV behind him as he activated his jet boots. And went skidding down the hall, shooting through the exterior wall.  


Steve seemed to think it was a game, laughing as he smashed Tony into the McGraw-Hill building. “I like you.” His white smile was the only human feature Tony could discern in the charred remains of Steve’s face. “Killing you is going to be fun.” Then he started to squeeze Tony’s body armor with him inside. This was not something Tony had anticipated in his design, and he found himself regretting it deeply as the air was slowly crushed from his lungs by the metal compressing his chest. He shot Steve with more UV, but the monster didn’t seem to care anymore. Steve kept going, giggling as he caught on fire. Then he snatched Tony’s hands one at a time, crushing them inside the gauntlets and breaking his repulsers.  


Then Tony was the one screaming.

“Steve, no!” 

Whose voice was that? Tony was starting to lose consciousness.  _ Bucky? _  


_  
_

_ * _  


  


It was a perfect shot. Even the werewolf circus act that had turned the vampire into a pincushion of arrows didn’t seem to be distracting him from his prey. Fury aimed a rowan stake and pulled the trigger. 

  


*

  


Sam had no idea how Bucky had managed to get out of that block of ice, but he knew there was no time to lose. While Riley frowned at the ice chips strewn across the floor like broken glass, Sam took off after his brother. Bucky was going to get himself killed. 

  


*

  


Bucky grabbed hold of Steve, trying to pry him off Tony. He felt Steve’s grip start to give a second before a three inch-wide piece of wood pierced his heart. 

  


* 

  


“Motherfuckin’ vampires!” Fury cursed, as a second one got in his way. He kicked off the roof to decapitate both of them as they struggled like bugs on an insect collector’s pin. 

  


*

  


Blood poured down the side of the building. Gallons and gallons of it. Bucky hung limp, pinned to Steve by the long stake while Steve let out an inhuman keening that could be heard all the way up in Harlem. “Bucky! Bucky, wake up!” He pushed away from Tony, the tip of the stake that had gone through both of them leaving an imprint behind in what was left of Tony’s armor. 

Light-headed, Tony tried to see what was going on. Was Bucky hurt? Did he care? He had little time to think about it as he began to fall. The jets in his boots weren’t enough to keep him in the air without being able to balance. “Jarvis--” He was falling, pinwheeling toward 44th Street below. Tony tried to think what his last words should be, but his mind was blank. Wasn’t this the time when your whole life was supposed to flash before your eyes?  


There was a swishing sound, and suddenly Tony was no longer falling. He was moving sideways along a parabola. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you,” a strange voice who must have been the pendulum said.  


“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Tony said, before passing out.  


  


*  


  


By the time Sam got there, Steve was using Bucky’s body as a shield against Fury’s attacks. “Oh  _ hell _ no.” Sam couldn’t think about the fact Bucky wasn’t moving. The most important thing was to get him away from Steve. Maybe, if he moved fast enough…

Sam hit Steve like a freight train, and he was too focused on Fury to fight Sam too much. He let go of Bucky, and then Sam was flying back to the Sanctum Sanctorum, praying that it wasn’t too late.  


  


*

  


“You killed my Bucky!” 

Tony’s eyes snapped open.  


“You killed my Bucky and now I’m going to kill you!”  


But he couldn’t see Steve. Just three weirdos on a rooftop.  


“I’m not giving him mouth to mouth,” the woman said, as Clint continued to shoot arrows at Steve.  


“Why’s this guy dressed in a latex slave costume?” Tony asked, weakly. “No one told me it was that kind of party.”  


“Aww, you’re making him blush,” the woman smirked.  


“How can you tell?” Clint asked.  


The roof under their feet rocked with a nearby explosion. “You need to get out of here,” the masked sub told them. Tony recognized his voice as that of the pendulum that had saved him from falling to his death.  


“WE need?” the woman asked. “And where do you think you’re going?”  


“They’re on my turf now.” Bondage-man brandished a baton. “So I’m gonna finish this.”  


“The hell you are.” Jessica grabbed his elbow before he could go anywhere. “In case you forgot, you’re squishy, too. We’re taking you both somewhere safe. Let the cavalry handle this.”  


As husband and wife continued to argue, Tony dragged himself to the edge of the roof to watch the fight. Fury and Steve had pulled out all the stops. They weren’t even trying to keep the damage to a minimum anymore. Half the neighborhood was either on fire or missing its roof.  


Then came a primal roar that seemed to carry its own breeze. Tony’s hair blew back as he watched a glowing streak of green dash across the sides of buildings like they were a racetrack. Then, the biggest werewolf Tony had ever seen--though, granted, he hadn’t seen many--its eyes glowing with green hellfire, leapt 100 feet to snatch Steve out of the air, like an alligator with a hummingbird.  


“No!” Fury shouted at the werewolf like it was a bad dog. “That little bastard is mine!”  


But it was too late. Like the big bad wolf of fairy tale, the green-eyed beast tore Steve to pieces, and ate him all up. Tony couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He decided he must still be asleep, and quickly shut his eyes to prove it.  


“He’ll have a tummy ache later, for sure,” Clint said.    


“You could have at least left me his head for the bounty!” Fury yelled.  


“Looks like you were right again, devil-man,” Jessica said  


“Days like this, I miss the Hand,” Matt frowned.  


“Enough about your sex life,” Clint said. “Let’s get out of here before the clean-up crew comes.”  


“I have a date with a bottle of vodka and a pint of ice cream in Trish’s freezer,” Jessica said. Tony liked the way she thought.  


Matt had already disappeared. “I think you made him jealous,” Clint observed, hoisting Tony over his shoulder in a fireman’s carry.  


“Tell someone who gives a fuck,” Jessica shot back.  


“Okay, I’ll give Luke a call.” Tony listened to them bicker all the way to the first floor. It distracted him from thinking about everything that had just happened, and how he felt about it all.  


  



End file.
